When new couples come to me, they sometimes have preconceived notions about how counseling is going to work. They sometimes believe that it only takes a few sessions, and they'll be "all good." They might believe that I can just "fix their relationship" for them without considering all the work that they have to put in. They might believe that if both people are working on the relationship, then they won't experience any setbacks. These ideas are simply not true. To help you better understand the therapy process for couples, here are five points you need to know:
1. Change is not lightning fast. Patterns of interaction are deeply ingrained in the fabric of each relationship, and they took a long time to develop. The tens of thousands of hours that couples have spent relating to each other cannot be countered with four or five hours of therapy. Research shows that it usually takes 12-20 sessions to solidify progress and complete couples therapy. While you will notice changes fairly quickly, deep, long-lasting change takes some time and effort. You are healing ingrained hurts and literally rewiring your brain so that you can interact in a different way.
2. It takes putting in the effort both in session and outside of session. You’ll need to practice and apply what you’re learning in order to reach your goals. The more effort you put in, the more quickly you will move in a positive direction. Have real conversations each day, go on dates again, spend time together. Read a marriage book together and process that in session. One great resource is 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I give my clients homework at the end of every session so they can get more out of the time they spend with me.
3. Sometimes, individual therapy for each person is more beneficial than beginning with couples therapy. This is especially true when the relationship has codependent traits or if abuse (emotional or physical) is present. Further, if your partner displays traits of a personality disorder, such as BPD or NPD, getting your own individual therapy may be more beneficial to your relationship than couples therapy. Please let your therapist know if you believe you need more individual therapy first. An excellent resource for people whose partner has narcissistic traits is a podcast called “Waking Up to Narcissism.” It’s pure gold.
4. Progress is not a perfect upward trajectory. Because we are digging up and talking about difficult things, you may leave feeling worse than when you came in. You may experience new tension in your relationship after a session. This is normal. Our goal is to help you process hurts in deep ways so that the past can truly become the past. I want to give you the tools you need to be able to talk about anything and be able to really hear one another. By the end of therapy, you will become more loving, understanding, and patient towards one another, but there may be bumps in the relationship road, and that’s okay.
5. Once you feel like things are “all better,” it's best to stay the course. Couples often get about 6 sessions into therapy and notice things are going really well. Because of this, they sometimes decide to end or pause therapy. However, this can be premature. I hear over and over, “I wish we had kept coming for a little longer.” Surface change can happen relatively quickly, but deeper lasting change takes more time. Even if it feels like your relationship is in an excellent place, I always encourage couples to schedule at least one or two more (usually a month out) to lay a solid foundation.
If you have any questions about couples therapy and what approach might be best for your situation, please give me a call: 205-718-7100. I would love to discuss your options.
Comments