Four Conversation Killers to Avoid

Marriages have conflict. It's a part of life. But what those conflicts look like and how they affect the overall health of your relationship vary greatly. In healthy marriages, conflicts and arguments often end well, with two people understanding each other's thoughts and needs and feeling closer than they did before the argument began. However, in some marriages, arguments end with two people feeling frustrated, angry, unheard, and alone.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, highly-respected marriage researchers and therapists, studied couples and how they argue for almost three decades in their "Love Lab," which is a simulated apartment, where they were able to watch couples interact like a fly on the wall. At the end of their massive research study, the Gottmans delineated two categories of couples, what they called "the masters" and "the disasters." The masters had it figured out: interacting in simple yet loving ways towards one another. The disasters interacted in ways that scientifically increased their likelihood of divorce. In 1999, John Gottman reported that he was able to predict whether a couple would divorce within 5 years by watching the first 3 minutes of an argument. Not only that, but he was able to do that with 94% accuracy. His ability to spot these negative patterns of interacting is incredible.

The four interactions that John Gottman found to be high predictors of divorce are contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. He called these "The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse," which is pretty dramatic, but if they are going to wreck your marriage, I guess a dramatic title is warranted. The relationship "disasters" (his word, not mine!) used the Four Horseman all the time when they interacted, and it sabotaged good communication. I'll explain each one a bit:

+ Contempt - when one partner attacks the other's sense of self. The attack is intended to insult or even verbally abuse in some cases. + Criticism - when a partner attacks the other's personality or character. + Stonewalling - when one partner withdraws to avoid conflict or convey disapproval, distance, or separation. + Defensiveness - when a partner victimizes oneself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame.

You may be saying, "Oh gosh, we do that one all the time! Ahh!"

DON’T WORRY. THERE IS HOPE.

For every one of these conversation killers, there is an equally strong antidote. Each one of them can be reversed and the relationship can be strengthened if you're willing to work on changing these patterns.

In couples counseling, each of these conversation killers can be uncovered and unarmed. They don't have to be a part of your marriage. You can learn and practice tools that will increase healthy communication and get rid of these "four horsemen." In the future, when you fight, you may actually feel like your love your spouse MORE than when the fight started. Crazy, huh? It's SO possible though. Check out this video by Gottman and get a glimpse of what you will learn in therapy. At this point, we have improving relationships down to a science.