Something is VERY wrong in our marriage. (Could it be narcissism?)

Working with couples is so rewarding because positive changes happen quickly. Usually, after just a few sessions of uncovering patterns of communication and learning some tools to better communicate, couples are well on their way to a solid, happy marriage. However, about 20% of the couples I see do not make progress in this way. In fact, they make very little progress at all. In these cases, one of the partners is not able to hear the other or empathize, no matter how many times the person describes their feelings and experiences. If you are in a marriage where you feel like your husband or wife never hears you and they rarely, if ever, show any empathy for what you’re going through, a personality disorder may be the culprit.

If anything is resonating here, ask yourself a few questions:

Is your relationship always focused on their needs and wants, never your own? Have you begun to lose track of your own needs and wants?

When you argue, is winning or being right more important to them than your feelings–or even the issues being discussed?

Do they talk in confusing circles or twist what you say and use your own words against you?

Do they blame you and criticize you, no matter what you do?

Do they always need to be in control (even in the little things like what’s for dinner, what’s on tv, etc.)?

Do they act normal or happy in front of others, but insult you or call you names when the two of you are alone?

Do you feel like you’re dealing with someone whose emotional maturity is that of a child?

Is it clear they have lost all perspective of who you actually are, and it seems like they don’t even care?

Do you feel exhausted, confused, spread too thin, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, or completely misunderstood in this relationship?

(Since I work with a lot of Christian clients, I created a thorough assessment of how this might present in a Christian marriage or long-term relationship. If you want to take the full assessment yourself, click here for a PDF copy).

Assessment - Emotional Abuse in Christian Marriages

Buy Now

The Good News

If you answered yes to these questions, there's good news: You are not going crazy! The problems in your relationship are not your fault. If you said yes to the majority of these questions, these problems may stem from a personality disorder. I know that may be hard to hear--or it may be a relief--but either way, you are not alone. I work with so many clients whose loved ones have either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. (These can play out in similar ways in relationships, so I wanted to mention both here). These disorders have very predictable behavioral patterns. Once you understand what is going on in your partner's head, their goals of interacting with others, and most importantly, the tools they use to confuse and manipulate you, you can begin to empower yourself and take back control of your life.

Living with someone with either NPD or BPD is extremely difficult. It often causes anxiety and depression, and over time, can even lead to suicidal thoughts. People in relationships like this feel trapped, isolated, and powerless. If you have been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies for a long time, you may be socially isolated as well. People with NPD typically say or do things to prevent their partners from having a support system. If you are at this point, please reach out and get some professional help--preferably with someone who has experience with these disorders.

Resources Seeing a counselor is a solid first step, but because it may take a minute to get in for your first session, I would love to give you a few resources to explore in the meantime. The first is a book called, Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book is primarily focused on BPD, but it also covers NPD and how to take your life back when dealing with that as well. It describes the difference in the two disorders, helps you understand your situation better, teaches ways to protect yourself and your children, and gives you tools to defuse arguments and stand up for your needs. Another resource is a podcast called “Waking Up to Narcissism.” Check out the first episode and see if you aren’t hooked. The information in this podcast is pure gold.

**Side note about abuse: Narcissistic abuse is very real. Often, it comes in the form of emotional abuse because this type of abuse is more easily hidden. However, if your relationship involves physical or sexual abuse (towards you or your children), please seek professional help immediately. If you are ever pushed, hit, sexually assaulted, or not allowed to leave, get to a place of safety as soon as you can and call 911. Another resource is the Birmingham Crisis Center at 205-323-7777.

A Final Point If you start researching and discover that, in fact, your partner (or parent, boss, etc.) has narcissistic personality disorder, don't rush to share that information with them. 99% of the time, it will not go well. You will be met with what we therapists call DARVO. They will Deny, Attack, Reverse, play the Victim, and then make you out to be the Offender. It might sound something like this:

You - "Hey, I've been doing some research, and I think you may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It could be the cause of some of our problems. Do you mind seeing a counselor with me?"

Them - "I don't have a personality disorder (deny), you mental case (attack). You're the one with the problems (reverse)! I can't believe you'd think of me this way (victim). If anyone has a personality disorder, it's you (offender)."

Does this sound familiar? If so, please give me a call and let's talk about how counseling can benefit you. If you have an idea that your spouse may have a personality disorder, individual counseling with you is going to be more beneficial than couples therapy, at least in the beginning.

If none of this sounds familiar to you but you are still struggling in your marriage, then you are one of the 80% of couples I see. In most couples--where there is care and empathy, you just keep getting stuck in the same negative patterns--therapy can bring about change rather quickly. You might just need the space to explore your patterns of communication, resolve past hurts, and learn new tools that will help you connect. As Tony Overbay says, "To be heard is to be healed."