Sometimes, we do things for our spouse, and it doesn’t quite land. Maybe it’s a cool gift you thought they would love (hello, new lingerie!) or time away at a spa. These both sound pretty amazing, but if they’re not in sync with your significant other’s love language, then the gesture can fall flat and actually cause tension or resentment. For instance, let’s say your wife’s main love language is quality time, but you book her a day at the spa. If you haven’t spent time together--quality time with just the two of you--then time away at the spa may seem like another wedge in your relationship. She may be thinking, “But I want to see YOU. I want YOU to have your hands on me.” ;) Matching our gestures of love with our partner’s love language can be incredibly powerful. And it can save time, energy, (and even money) because you’re focusing your efforts on what matters to them.
The first step to getting in sync with your partner is to each complete a 5 Love Languages quiz and find out if you are more drawn to physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, or words of affirmation. (For a simple one, click here.) You may score high on two or three, and that’s okay! Also, this may seem obvious, but as you take the quiz, answer the questions in the context and mindset of your relationship. What we need from our significant other can be really different from what we value in other loving relationships.
Next, sit down with one another and really discuss the results. Just saying, “My love language is physical touch, so you should do that more” isn’t really enough. A deeper discussion helps flesh out how to apply this information to your relationship.
Here are some questions to help guide you:
_________ and _________ are your main love languages. What does this look like for you?
How can I give you more of what you need?
When have you felt most loved in our relationship?
Are there times your love languages shift?
What are a few concrete things you’d like me to focus on this week?
Because our love languages can shift over the years, this is something we need to revisit occasionally. This is especially true if there has been a major change in your life. Transitions such as a move, job change, birth of a baby, or loss of a loved one can greatly influence what you need and desire from your partner.
By focusing on what matters to our significant other and NOT worrying about things that don’t, your love life will not only be better, but more efficient. On every Love Languages quiz I have ever taken, I score a 0% on gifts. Thank goodness, my husband and I discussed love languages in depth before we got married. Can you imagine the amount of emotional energy and money he has saved by not getting me things that I care nothing about? Instead, he has been able to focus his efforts on quality time and words of affirmation, which make me feel very loved.
They always say “relationships are hard work” (and they can be!), but this principle of Love Languages can actually make your life and relationship a whole lot easier.
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